Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with the feeling of physical and mental exhaustion. Paired with the fear of failure, this makes for a rather unpleasant cocktail of emotions, one of them being anxiety, which seems to haunt me more or less. I know that comparison is the thief of all joy but I am wired that way and sort of blame our society (along with myself) for making me believe that this tauntingly obnoxious ridicule is the norm.
This fear of failure seems to be a vicious circle fed by our own weakness to accept our value. Let me clarify by giving an example at this point : you study for a test; you don’t reach the goal you set for yourself beforehand; you punish yourself emotionally for the failure and feel unworthy to a certain extent; you study for the next test, trying not to be discouraged by previous events; and in the end after draining your body/mind you get the result you wished for. (Disclaimer: this is not a supposed to be a whiny comment about how school-life is oh so dreadful)
I have yet to figure where this fear of failure is coming from. I have great and loving parents and received a good education and lacked nothing I needed. Further, I have a stable and supportive system of friends and feel safe in my environment. One could argue that (the awful term) “daddy issue” plays a role in my life, since my father passed away when I was twelve years old. It just doesn’t seem logical to relate the fear of failure to my fathers death. After all, he died because of cancer and didn’t leave or abandon me in any way, shape or form…
But maybe it is exactly that — this feeling of having to prove myself because people don’t expect it. I am not underachieving but still, I compare myself to others who get better grades, seem more accomplished and the ones who seem to have achieved more already. The search for self-worth and self-acceptance continues.
In times of happiness though, this fear is lifted off and I just try to be the best possible version of myself. But living in a highly competitive environment ( and I am not complaining, since I’d rather be pushed to excel myself than put down for success) it is easy to see yourself as only a little non-important piece in a picture you can’t make out from up-close. I am not willing to set the bar lower for myself, yet the disappointment I resent comes in waves and hits shore hard. What if I haven’t worked hard enough ? What if I am procrastinating or every now and then doing things for the sole purpose of enjoying them ?
I continuously try to live with the mantra: refuse to be average
…but it’s hard to be your unapologetic and good self, after all we are our own hardest critics.
For the sake of your mental sanity and your well-being, I urge you to see beyond all your accomplishments and look at the beautiful soul you carry within you. I am trying my hardest to do the same (somedays more successfully than others) but thriving to create new ways for improvement.
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